Men have automatically assumed that my body is available to use simply because I have slept with many men in the past.

At this very moment, my heart feels overwhelmed. Unfortunately, most of my sexual experiences have been non-consensual or coerced, at least. It has made me believe that recreational sex is exhausting and overrated. The average adult has had nine sexual partners. And since I'm a human adult, it's a very human thing to compare your actions to others. Well, I've been with enough partners to fill a large classroom. I'm at a place in my life where I don't say it with pride nor shame. It simply is. I've had out-of-body experiences of survival mechanisms, and moments of cleaving where I truly felt one with another soul, and everything in between. Even at my best moments of sexual intimacy, I have found myself pushing away disturbing micro-memories of when I was molested as a young girl. They come like flashes of lighting and send shivers down my spine. It's like choking on a glass of water that was meant to quench your thirst. For a moment, I feel like I am drowning in the very element that makes me human. I want sexual intimacy and then I want nothing associated with human sexuality. I then begin to see it objectively. It's a powerful fire that can warm your soul and burn it. It can transform the chemistry of relationships on either end of the spectrum. One thing I have learned about being a victim of sexual abuse as a child, and a rape victim as an adult, is that men see you as much more vulnerable. Men have automatically assumed that my body is available to use simply because I have slept with many men in the past. If I'm really damaged goods, then I suppose it's easier to unwrap a used packed than one in new packaging. Sometimes I wonder if guys who push themselves on you after you've had a few drinks on a date or at a party see you as a slut, yet they don't get the same derogatory name. If I let him have me or say nothing, I'm considered one-night-stand material. I've experienced judgement, shame, and confusion through these encounters, but I know I'm not alone. I believe it's so important to speak up and expose the sexism and abuse that goes on in our society. It happens to people we know and people we know do these awful things to. I'm not sure how to tackle this issue in society, but I know I can start with myself. Unlearning sexist belief systems, educating myself about healing, and encouraging those who've been traumatized as well is progress worth fighting for. - Tanya