It's all my fault my life is like this. I'm only 12, yet I feel so alone.

I thought this year would be better, but it's worse. I hardly knew anyone at Secondary school. At first. I would hang out with Rowan usually, since I met her outside of school and we both didn't know many people. Then slowly as the weeks passed, I made lots of friends, true and fake, and introduced them to Rowan. Months later, our roles have reversed. Then the cyber bullying started. Around this point, I lost most of my girl mates, because they thought I was attention-seeking, so I made a lot of guy friends. Girls 2 years older than me would tell me I was attention-seeking, post stuff about me on Facebook, get their friends involved too, and as they were popular and older, I couldn't do anything. Then people I didn't even know told me to go die and that my parents didn't love me, I was fat, ugly, unloved, poor, a slag, a bitch, a hoe, etc. etc. Then my parents found out and reported them to the police, they left me alone afterwards. I started self harming in November because I was different, and because I felt I was being used and that I was a slag. Because in the previous summer holidays, my friends persuaded me into flashing my boobs on camera to strangers on a website. I felt like I a slut.
Then this year, after multiple short relationships with guys I didn't like in that way, I found a guy (Robb) who made me smile, who made me love myself, but it sorrowfully ended. After our on and off relationships, whilst I fancied/dated him, I had a thing for several of his mates. Some of them were dating my best mates. I felt like I was a fake friend and that I was a slut too. Robb told me he loved me and tried persuading me to send him nude pictures of myself and to have sex with him. Because I thought it was love, I said yes. But I didn't send him pictures since I was on my ancient laptop. We had planned to have sex on a camping trip with our two friends who were dating (Declan and Rowan). But since he called me a hoe and fell out with me, sex never happened either. And he obviously told all his friends about our little conversation. Because I had developed faster than most of my mates I was already a C cup, nearly a D cup, whilst most of my friends were B or A. So I obviously became an object of sexual interest to many guys, including older guys. Year 9 guys would message me saying that I had a nice pair, etc.
Then another ex, Joseph, asked me for pictures and sex, persuading (but failing) me with, "I'll be a good shag" & "it'll just be two best friends losing their virginity to each other". Then came the sexual touching. He would run up to me and squeeze my boobs against my will or spank me without my permission, in front of his friends of course, or touch me under the table in our lessons together. My next boyfriend, Ben, asked for a camping trip, exactly what Robb said, and I knew he wanted to coerce me into f*cking him. He told all of his mates I would do things with him and I had already done things with him, but a) I didn't plan on doing things with him & b) I hadn't done ANYTHING with him. I feel as if thanks to Robb, I won't find another guy who likes me for me, not for my boobs or for sex.
Then yesterday this 14 year old guy from my older friend's primary school added me on Snapchat. He thinks I'm 14 when I'm actually 12. He is constantly asking for pictures. I have never met him in my entire life. My other friend (Ann) has told me people will think I'm a slag and I know most of my friends think it too, but they're just too nice to say so. Ever since Robb, I have been having flings with guys, leading them on, especially his mates or guys he didn't like me hanging out with, because he hurt me and despite that, I irrationally miss him. When I walk in the street, constantly guys look at my cleavage, even grown men. And my parents even think I'm a slut, my mom thinks I use Snapchat to send nudes, and she thinks my cleavage is noticeable because I made It noticeable.
I'm starting to question my sexuality, I think I might be bisexual, but my parents are god-fearing people and I hear them talking about homosexuals behind their backs and it isn't nice what their saying and even my friends tell me stuff that is homophobic but they say they don't mind gays. I keep thinking about suicide and self harm. I just want it all to end, the constant judgement, ridicule, slut shaming, etc. I'm also worried about my weight a lot, I've been starving and binging & purging ever since May. For 4-5 months almost, I haven't had proper sleep, I either wake up within a few hours or sleep at 8am. Also school is about to start within a week and I know Robb has set me up as an object of ridicule and slut shaming within his social circles. I'm scared the bullying will return again, just because I had a couple of sexual hollow conversations/promises and because of my multiple short relationships where I just lead the guys on. I feel as I'm a slut because of me leading guys on, and because of the sex/picture chats. I'm sick of myself. I don't know what caused all of the sexual conversations and perversions, but I could've stopped it, I could've told someone, but I was too scared that I would get told "you wanted it" "slut!" "Your clothing was provocative" comments. It's all my fault my life is like this. Sooner or later I'll lose all my friends again, and I will give in to their coercing and persuasion. I'm only 12, yet I feel so alone. -Carol Ann Lynn

---

Note to the author: Since you submitted this account anonymously, I don't have your contact information. Please reach out to a parent or teacher for help immediately. You are NOT alone, and this is NOT your fault. You can overcome it, just like the women who have shared their stories here before you. Judging from your language, I am guessing you're in the UK. Please visit www.samaritans.org and check out the resources available to you. I am always here to talk, as well. Love, Emily