It was so hard to watch him try to diminish my character, when my character had nothing to do with him raping me.

On August 8th, 2014 while I was still 17, I was sexually assaulted, assaulted in one of the worst ways possible, and I didn't know what to do. I was so angry at myself and so disgusted, I felt worthless, I felt like piece of meat, I still do. I felt as if I was just a vagina to men, that they only wanted me for my body, that I wasn't even a person, like I was just an object. I didn't want to report it, I was trying to move on with it on my own and find my inner peace and harmony since I'm a Taoist. I worked so hard to forget the horrible crime done to me, I built the highest walls trying to forget the memories from the evening. I tried so hard, so hard. But I couldn't beat it, everyday flash backs would come back and I would lose myself, I would cry, I would get so angry, I got disgusted at myself for letting a horrible thing happen to such a strong person like me. I had told few people about my rape because I trusted them, and one day I told my friend because her father was in the same fraternity he's in and she was beyond upset, upset to the point that she dragged me to Victim Services and had me report it. And, I can not explain how grateful I am to her for that. Reporting was so hard and scary, having to relive and remember that night is so sad and heartbreaking. Having to retell the event to strangers isn't easy. It's SO HARD. It's hard because of the fact I'm still scared, I'm scared of men, I don't trust men, I fear walking places and I fear so much. But I'm so glad I did. We got the ball rolling on my case and 2 days ago, we had the hearing and he got away with it. He got away with doing one of the worst crimes ever. It was so hard to see him, to watch him lie about that night, to watch him try to diminish my character, when my character had nothing to do with him raping me. I felt and still feel injustice. I did all I could, I did EVERYTHING I could. I told my story, I went to higher power people to try to help me and I got nothing from it. I'm not bitter, well I am. But there's nothing I can change, the verdict was given and I have to go on with my life. I'm not the same person I was before, I'm forever traumatized, it sucks. It really does. But I'm a firm believer in "the way" and life is going to come back at him and bite him in the ass so hard for the things he did to me. It may be years down the road but he is going to get what he deserves. I can't dwell on the past, all I can do is move forward and live freely. Rape is horrible and it ruins people, it ruined me. - Gabby Winkler