I heard so many people talking about how they were going to ask me to date them just so they could fuck me.

My middle school (and ninth grade) years were never very good to me. I was always known as being a slut, an attention seeker, dirty. While I really never did much with boys at the time, I always seemed to have rumors flying around about me. My mother was also no help, always telling me how slutty and stupid I was, and that I should at least ask for payment before dressing like a whore, and so on. It wasn't long before I started to slowly believe what she said, and considered myself no better than some hooker, because that was obviously all my mother thought I was capable of being. The fact that my mother thought this low of me was one of the hardest aspects for me, because that meant even when I would go home, I would still be called a slut. I always got along a little better with boys, because I wasn't ever really into gossip or makeup like the other girls in my grade. I had girl friends too, but if they ever started to become too "girly", I would go find my other guy friends to talk to. I was also never very shy or easily embarrassed. As you probably know, middle schoolers don't tend to be very mature, as much as they'd like to be, and any sort of mature topic we'd come across, I would react very calmly towards, which somehow proved to my friends that, because I was seemingly okay with all this stuff, it meant I had already had experience with it. I was also somewhat of a shameless flirter, and prided myself, much as you did, in being able to manipulate boys. Not my best talent, really. I never tried to get into trouble or start drama, but it somehow always followed me around. In 8th grade, my best guy friend, who I was quite in love with, started dating my best girl friend, who I then started to hate. She stopped talking to me for about 6 months, on her own accord, and I "wasn't allowed" to talk to my other best friend, because she'd become jealous. I lost both of my best friends for a good chunk of that year, and I was absolutely heartbroken from the both of them. I was quite spiteful, and along with the most gossipy girls in my grade, started a horrific string of rumors about her, calling it "Project Ruin Miriam's Life". I'm not sure if she knew it was me, at the time, but she cried in school quite often, and no one was friends with her at the time. She had started to cut herself after they broke up, and he starting doing drugs. (She hasn't cut herself since, thankfully, but I still worry about her sometimes. My best guy friend still does drugs, and I don't have very much contact with him, because he switched schools.) My ninth grade year was an absolute mess. I was rumored to be some sort of terrible whore, anyone could ask me out and I'd date you, maybe even fuck you in the band room when no one was around, which I had heard about myself far too many times. My friends had all started to resent me as well, thinking that I was very easy. They all left me at one point in time. I felt very alone a lot of the time, and I didn't really know what to do with myself. I didn't know very much, I hadn't really had a serious boyfriend before this and wasn't sure what to expect. When I got to high school and suddenly had upperclassmen boys coming from all over flirting with me, I was flattered, and thought very highly of myself, not really understanding that none of them had that good of intentions. The last boyfriend I had in ninth grade, I stayed with throughout the summer, as well. We went to third base, but he always told me he didn't want to have sex, so I never said anything about it. He was very into the idea of us at the beginning, or so it seemed, but as our relationship went on, it seemed to be more physical than anything, and simple jokes from me would be blown out of proportion and turned into him being angry and me apologizing for something that I wasn't even sure was wrong. I had told him once, truthfully, that I loved him, and he never once said it back. Thankfully we weren't in school at the time, so I didn't have to hear all of the slutty things I was supposedly doing, but when he abruptly broke things off, I was, needless to say, heartbroken. When I got back to school, everyone knew about what we had done, and he started rumors about me, telling people how much he hated me, and he ended up ignoring me that whole year. I had no idea what he possibly could hate me for. I hadn't done anything to him, and I was still very heartbroken, so I didn't confront him about it until I had completely moved on. Everyone thought I was even more of a slut, if that was even possible, and with my sister gone, who had graduated the year earlier, I was left to fend for myself. I couldn't avoid the dirty looks or the snide remarks. I struggled to keep my temper, my tears, my emotions. I felt betrayed, I felt totally alone. The moments spent alone were the worst. I kept my head high and my mouth shut. I was no longer the flashy, happy person from last year. I wouldn't talk as much, kept to myself more, and my grades fell. I didn't care anymore. I wasn't taking care of my education at all. I found no reason to. But I found an angel hidden in my life. I found one of my truly greatest friends in the person I would least expect. The quietest friend of mine, who was also super smart and innocent, became my rock. She was always the third voice, the impartial view, who would never judge me and would always believe what I told her, and I never lied to her. She helped me more than she knows. When I felt I had no one, she was always there for me. I could vent to her, cry on her, whatever, she was there. But she was very busy, and with strict parents, I almost never got to see her outside of school, which made other aspects of my life harder, like being on sports teams full of bitchy girls who hated me. I dated a guy from another school for a while, which was awesome for me, because no one knew him at my school, and no one knew me at his school. We were very close and also only went to third base, but we were good friends as well. We weren't together on a physical basis only, it was more. We were doing really well together, until a hot senior approached me and asked me out. I told him no, politely, because I already had a boyfriend, and he insisted that we could just hang out, as friends. All of the people I knew that knew him warned me not to become "friends" with him. He would just end up hurting me. He was manipulative, and cunning, and he really didn't care about much more than getting some action. I didn't listen, naturally, I was convinced that I knew better, even though I barely knew the guy, and I went with him after school one day to his house. We were completely alone, watching a movie, and I was trying as hard as I could to stay a good distance away from him, until he suddenly grabbed me and kissed me. Basically right after that I told him I wanted to leave and he obliged. He knew I had a boyfriend, and he kissed me anyways. I was completely riddled with emotions, angry at him for kissing me, ashamed that I had even went, sad for the boyfriend I would have to tell, scared for what the outcome would be when I did tell. I decided that I should just break up with him. In my mind, there would be no chance that he would want to be with me after I technically cheated, even though it wasn't my fault, and I just wanted to get it over with before he could. He and I were both trying not to cry as we said our goodbyes. (To this day I still miss him a lot. I tried to write him a few times, but I'm almost certain he wouldn't want anything more with me, and I understand why.) The same senior asked me out about a week after I broke up with my boyfriend, and I said yes about 2 weeks after that. We were definitely only in it for the physical aspects. He was always pushing for more. He would tell me we could go slow, he would never pressure me, etc., but I could feel the pressure in his actions and his words, his random PDA, everything. He would ask me about sex, and I was never really sure about it, so I always just said no. After two weeks of dating, I got tired of the pressure and just said yes. I thought, 'why not? It's not as if being a virgin means much to me anyways. I might as well get it over with.' He broke up with me a little while after, and proceeded to tell the entire school about our little fling. I heard so many people talking about how they were going to ask me to date them just so they could fuck me, or how easy I was for doing it with such an asshole. After being asked by three people if I would have sex with them, I told them that if one more person asked, I would beat the shit out of them. Being the athletic girl that I am, I was quite threatening, despite the apparently good figure I had that drew in boys. No one asked anymore, but I heard the whispers and the rumors still. After that graduation, I stayed single. Many guys tried stuff in summer, but I never agreed to anything. I didn't want to deal with boys. I decided to do something different. I applied for, and won, a scholarship to study abroad in Germany for a year. Deciding I needed a break from drama, I took it and, that's where I am now. I can look back on everything, see where my mistakes were, and learn from them. I'm going into my senior year next year, at a different school, and I really don't know what to expect. I hope to leave my past behind. No one likes to be called a slut, or any other bad name, no matter how much we pretend it doesn't hurt us. This year is proving to be a pretty good stress reliever, and I can say that even though I'm nowhere near being grown up, I've learned a lot. I'm no stupid kid anymore. I've learned to be me, and I've learned a little more about who to trust. Although, I've still got a lot to learn, of course. Your story means a lot to me. It reminds me so much of me. If you've read this far, I just want to say thank you. I know how it feels to be shamed and ridiculed with titles like slut and whore, and I want to help others so that they never have to go through what I did. I really admire this project. :) We're not alone in this. <3