I had never shared this. With anyone.

There is one specific story, one specific day, that stands out when I try to remember the bullying I had to endure at age 14-16 (oh, do I wish I kept a diary at that age, now). It is not one of the harshest, maybe not one of the scariest, but for some reason it's been stuck in my mind since then... for ten years. It was the day after a night at my friend's house. She had a very open dad, who really didn't care what we did, as long as we didn't do drugs and didn't leave the house, so we loved spending the night there, drinking and whatever. That night a guy, a friend of my friend, had to spend the night there, in the basement where we used to hang out and watch movies... So we started watching a movie, and slowly everyone started to leave, go to bed, go home, etc., so that only he and I were left on the couch. I knew perfectly that he was not interested in me, just bored, I guess, and I really didn't want to do anything, but the last friend to leave told me I HAD to stay, and it was going to be great, so I just went with it. He started reaching under my pants with his hand, and it felt weird. Weird and uncomfortable, until I finally just stood up and left for bed, out of weirdness alone. Still, the next day the rumours were crazy. I remember a guy out of my class actually asking if this guy had fingered me and not denying it. I didn't think I had to, it seemed absurd to lie, especially when everyone was doing it. Still, the rumours kept growing, and as school ended that day and I was waiting for the bus, two boys sat down next to me and started asking about it. The conversation I can't get out of my head went something like this: Boy 1: "So, did you blow him?" Me: "What? No." Boy 2: "Of course not, how could she do that with a bag over her head? And she had to wear one if he dared to finger her." To this day I don't know how I let that conversation affect me so much. I knew those guys were assholes, and the guy who had actually been with me that night didn't react like that at all. He was actually friends with me for a long time after that, and he acted like what we did was completely natural, and okay, and not a big deal (so, he acted like a normal person!), but still. Thinking and hearing that affected every intimate relation I had for a long time, and made me unbelievably insecure for a long time. I had never shared this. With anyone. Not even back then, when I wanted to act like I didn't care. Thank you, I'm glad to realize now that sharing stories like this, putting our names and faces on it, showing people that they can get out of it...it helps. - Ro