You don't have to suffer in silence. You don't have to be ashamed.

I grew up in a very small town in Arkansas. In high school I was always well liked. I was a cheerleader and a very advanced student. I always did my schoolwork, maintained a near perfect grade point average, participated in cheer, choir, and several other clubs, served on the prom committee, etc. I never got into trouble and I followed my parents' rules. I had a serious boyfriend from age 14 to age 16 and he was my first love. We did a lot of "making out" in those two years, and while some of my friends were already having sex, the Christian based morals and values I'd been raised with kept me from giving into the pressure. After my boyfriend and I broke up I was devastated. I spiraled into a pretty severe depression. I developed an eating disorder and became extremely underweight (72 lbs was my lowest weight at age 16). That's when my next boyfriend entered the picture. He was tall, smart, funny....and he did and said all the right things. Told me I was special and beautiful and bought me flowers and expensive jewelry. One night he picked me up to go watch movies with him at his house. My parents asked if his parents were home and he said they were. When we got to his house, I discovered his parents weren't home and would be gone overnight. I expressed my discomfort with the issue but he convinced me to stay and watch a movie with him. As it tends to do with teenagers, watching a movie led to a heavy make out session. He kept asking me to take my underwear off and was trying to convince me to have sex but I kept telling him no I don't think I'm ready for that. At one point he excused himself to the bathroom (I later discovered this was to put a condom on). When he came back he jumped on top of me, ripped my underwear off, and forced himself inside of me. All the while I kept saying, "Please stop. I'm not sure I'm ready for this!" And his response as he entered me was "Well you're sure now." My self esteem was so low at this point in life that I convinced myself nothing wrong had happened and I stayed with him for several months after this. He became very controlling and abusive...pulling my hair out, burning me with cigarettes, calling me a slut or whore if I dressed nice at school or anytime I wore my cheerleading uniform. I never told anyone about the rape or abuse...I suffered in silence. Somehow, I finally found the courage to leave him but his abuse and the rape left its mark. I went wild partying and dating several boys that summer. The relationships I had with men after that were all centered around sex and by the time I came back from summer break for my senior year of high school, everyone in school was talking about me and what a SLUT I was. In reality, most of them had had many more sexual experiences than I had, but the fact that I had gone wild and partied and started dressing and acting different made them think differently of me. The rape and abuse were bad enough, but now I was being sexually bullied by my classmates. I will never forget what happened to me as a teenager. I worked through it and attended therapy as an adult to keep it from affecting my sexual relationship with my husband once I got married. I feel that it has shaped me into who I am and made me a stronger woman, but if I could spare any girl from going through what I went through, I would. You don't have to suffer in silence. You don't have to be ashamed. My hope is that, someday, women and men will be treated equally when it comes to sex. That we will no longer be shamed for the same things men are glorified for. Sadly, we still have a long way to go. - Erin