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I am a 24-year-old man. And I am a feminist. Here's why.

3/12/2014

6 Comments

 

I am a feminist. As a 24-year-old young man living in today's society, I have never been completely comfortable telling anyone publicly that I support feminism. But it is "taboo" to be a young man and proclaim your support for feminism. It would mean that you are either overly sensitive, gay, or weird. Society's expectations of men and women are very clear and explicit: Men must be macho, aggressive, and dominant. Women must be submissive, quiet, and sexually timid. It is important for my generation to unite in the conversation that is often suppressed by our popular media and politicians. We need to stop labeling feminists as "feminazis," "prude," "selfish," "boring," or "arrogant." We must realize that being a feminist is not limited to one's gender. Feminism is not a movement towards male oppression, but rather a movement towards equality for all genders. I came to this realization through my personal experiences with harassment and violence against women.

"Amanda" was only 14 years old when she was sexually and verbally harassed by a high school math teacher and several fellow classmates. She wasn't a student at the high school. She was a visiting 8th grader from a local middle school on what was supposed to be a day to explore her future high school. 
"Mr. Cook," our math teacher, was a tall, middle-aged man, witty in humor and sometimes explicit when he instructed his classes. He also had a tendency to grope his female students in a rather sexual way. One time he had tried to kiss a girl who had been accepted into college. Nobody really said anything, and the boys laughed. The girl had been startled and humiliated. I had laughed too, afraid if I didn't I might be accused of being gay, or a loser, or worse. My laugh was not easy. It was a nervous laugh. Deep down I knew what Mr. Cook was doing was inappropriate. I thought to myself, what should I do? Go tell the office? But what if they laugh at me and tell me I'm overreacting? Isn't the teacher fiercely protected by a union? I kept silent. 

Four months later, Amanda came to visit the high school. After math class, the lunch bell rang and the students dispersed as usual. Amanda had nobody to hang out with, so she stayed in her chair.
She was minding her own business when one of the boys asked her how old she was. His name was Sean. Unlike me, Sean was outgoing and loud. He made his opinions of others known regardless of how it made them feel. I befriended him not on the premise of a true friendship but out of fear that he would spend the four years of high school criticizing me about what I wore and why I was quiet. The moment he asked Amanda how old she was, I knew something was going on. "I'm 14," she answered nervously. He laughed at her and pointed out to the other boys how big her breasts were for her age. I expected the other boys to laugh, but what was worse than anything was that Mr. Cummings joined them. This wasn't teasing. It was sexual harassment.

The boys and Mr. Cook spent about 15 minutes of her lunch time discussing the size of her breasts and asking how many boys she had slept with. Amanda was a brave girl. She laughed it off. I knew she was suppressing her feelings. I knew I was just as guilty as they were by acting as a bystander and not stepping up for her. But I was intimidated. I decided to take the incident to the principal, Mrs. Phillips. I felt certain that Mrs. Phillips, a highly educated woman in her 60s, would be someone I could trust to protect me and, most important of all, to protect the victim, Amanda. However, my assumption was incorrect. Mrs. Phillips admonished me for "putting the school in a legally challenging position" and I was suspended from school for three days pending an expulsion hearing.

When my parents threatened legal action against her and the school, Mrs. Phillips allowed me to come back. However, she had told all the other teachers about my intention to "demonize a teacher." Instead of moral support, I lived with shame and humiliation for the next two years of high school. Amanda's father filed a suit against the school and moved his daughter to another school district. I never saw Amanda again in person, but we are friends on Facebook. I wanted to reach out to her regarding the incident to better understand what victims of sexual abuse and violence go through years after the incident takes place. I have decided not to for fear that it may rekindle memories that have been put away.
As upsetting as these events were, they would not be my last personal encounters with sexism, misogyny, and harassment.


By senior year in high school, the stern faces of the teachers had slowly dwindled, and Sean had "forgiven" me for being "a little bitch boy," as he put it. I never protested that. Nobody cared about or remembered that incident any longer. But those memories are forever ingrained in my mind. I think about it often. The boys and the teacher who are perpetrators have most certainly moved on with their lives. But Amanda might not have. I certainly have tried to move on with mine, but sometimes it's harder done than said. 
My parents were hosting a graduation party for about 130 seniors at our home, including Sean and his friend "Jason," two of the boys who I had watched harass Amanda.

I still remember the girl's face. Beet red. Naked from the waist down, she was curled up like a snail picked up in the rain. Her hands were covered in dirt. She was wailing. I just stared at her. I was so shocked beyond disbelief that I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't know what had happened. Had she been hit by a car? Attacked by a stranger? I called the police. She was taken to the hospital and a preliminary investigation was conducted at our home that night, where the graduation party had taken place. Evidence suggested she had been raped. It wasn't until later that she identified my friends, Sean and Jason, as the two attackers.

My father admonished me. "Don't ever invite a whore into my house unless you want to leave this house forever." Those were his words to me. He wasn't punishing me. He was punishing
her. Somehow, she was a "whore" in his eyes. But what about the two boys, Sean and Jason? He didn't mention a single negative word about them. He didn't praise them, either. They just didn't matter. They were boys. "They were having sex with her." That's all he said. My father, is a prominent member of our community, "quashed" their investigation. Those were his words. And he chuckled when he talked about it. He also sent a letter to the parents of the girl, essentially trashing their daughter. Less than a year later, the girl committed suicide.

Part of me wanted to ask Sean and Jason about it. But I have never spoken to either of them from that day forward. They both went on to college and have good jobs. And me? 
I wake up sweating in the middle of the night, and cry myself to sleep at times. I have nobody in my life who would understand this, what I saw, and what I went through. None of my friends. I feel like a building is pressing against my heart. I don't see a therapist anymore, either. I just think about that girl and cry.

[Note from Emily Lindin: I have kept this poster anonymous in order to protect the identity of "Amanda." If you would like to be in touch with him directly, please leave a comment or email unslutproject@yahoo.com.]

6 Comments
Survived to tell
3/12/2014 09:06:52 am

Wow, such powerful testimony to the fact that we live in a culture where demented men want sexual satisfaction with a woman or girl that does not want them, the first step is to demean, berate, harass, attack, then rape the soul out of the being of the girl/woman. Other men, the father in the story, are complicit in this, as well as are mothers and fathers from generations before who excuse the behavior of their monster sons and let them get away with it. American culture is parasitic on girls and women, so are its laws, so are the school system, the police and state systems, which entrench this male favoritistic behavior into doing victim-hood as a way of life for girls. I know first hand the only thing that stopped the sexual abuse at my own home upon me was telling the monster brother that next time he touched me he was going to get a knife through his heart- but the years of his physical and emotional abuse had not made me snap just yet, going to work and entrusting my own kids into the same system might possibly attempt it, but I am instead advocating online as often as possible to educate others about the epidemic in this country and the complicity of the system in disempowering its girls & women, leaving them no recourse but to expose this abuse fest for what it is, a complete and utter human rights violation to the trafficked degree. We are going to break this cycle if its the last thing we do, we can not tolerate it any longer. The corruption from top on down has rained abuse on women and girls for far too long, and its not going to go on much longer, thats a promise~ we all must commit to this cause. It goes on in workplaces too, which also needs a major look at how gynophobes undermine womens opportunities by creating hostile environments around them, meanwhile the little workers are afraid to speak up for the person being attacked- this is the reality we experience in the work place when we are strong women, we are never seen as ally, but as threat.

Reply
Mellie
3/12/2014 09:43:31 am

Oh honey,
There are others who are secondary victims of rape in the world. I'm so sorry you experienced that.
If you need support, I'm here.

Reply
Nader
3/13/2014 03:50:30 pm

Thank you for your kindness. I wrote about my experience primarily because I feel that there is insufficient involvement on the part of young men in preventing sexual harassment and rape.

Reply
Stella
3/12/2014 10:15:07 am

It's sad how society reacts to those things , and also sad that girls like the one in your story feels so alone and trashed that their only solution in their minds is suicide . I have all daughters and I can't imagine them or any girl I know going through that. Also as a woman I remember when growing up I felt the pressure of always being just a woman , everything was acceptable if it was coming from a man but not a woman .

Reply
MeanKittyClaws
3/12/2014 12:10:42 pm

The father who repudiated the girl instead of the attackers is why we have this type of problem in society, his character epitomizes patriarchal abuser system, which condones and enables the behavior of the attackers. Son's grow up around his type, either succumb to being like him or reject and suffer his wrath as a consequence. People need to wake up and call this pattern out for what it is, work to change it.

Reply
Nader
3/13/2014 03:53:39 pm

You're indeed correct. It is very difficult to see your own father as a role model as much as I would like to because of the way he defines being masculine. It's very difficult for a lot of guys to grow up and not adhere to the standards society has set for us.

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